Describe the world you come from—for example, your family, community or school—and tell us
how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In my life, I begin my journey by
saying the word Momma and Dada. My family, they have raised me to be an
independent human being that knows the right path and future I want to have. I
come from a small island basically in the middle of the ocean. It’s a beautiful
place like no other there are waterfalls, beautiful beaches, and nice local
people. My parents wanted this for me ever since they gave birth to me. They
wanted an environmental friendly place for me to grow up in so when I go and experience
the real world I will realize how it is and teach my kids the same way.
During my early years as a young
toddler still a vivid memory for me but a dramatic event happened to me. My
parents I thought to be the kindest people on Earth at the time wanted a most
dreadful deed. I thought it was I or if it was something I did wrong, in my
head I was thinking to myself was this my fault. But eventually what happened
was my parents divorced and at the time I didn’t care because I was so little.
But I realize now how hard it is for me to take in at this age, how bad I would
have feel when I was younger. My dreams now has been to always make my parents
proud of me, and to know that whatever I do with myself my parents will feel proud
of me. That feeling you get when your parents look at you and they smile is
nothing comparable to reaching the stars. The world is full of many things and
opportunities, once I grasp hold of that single chance I get I will take it and
try to turn it into something amazing. The first step to that is getting into
your college, knowing that I will have many opportunities to make my parents
know that I am the best son that they could ever imagine.
You need to decide what your central focus is, initially it seems like you are talking about Hawaii and the actual island, but then it moves to you raising kids like how your parents raised you and then to your parents getting divorced. You need to focus on one idea and discuss it thoroughly instead of "fluffing" your essay up with things that are not needed. Also your sentences are overly wordy and just awkward, don't use words you don't understand.
ReplyDeleteBranden Pascual....
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mr. Zavala on how you jump around the subject a little. I think you should also check some puctuation errors in the first paragraph. I liked reading your essay about how you grew up as a young boy. I would also suggest you to use more of your words wisely. Other than that, good job on your final draft! :)
I agree also agree with Mr. Zavala, your topic does jump from a broad description of where you live to your parents divorce. Also that your sentence are word and awkward. I didn't really understand some of your sentence either. You could elaborate more on your dreams and aspirations instead of discussing your parents divorce. Good Luck!
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